Am I best known for what I love or hate?

On when void becomes a whole personality and hating crop tops

Pardon in Brittany by Gaston La Touche

Have you walked away from a conversation or Instagram profile knowing what they were against but not what they actually are for so well you could create the “dislikes” section of their dating profile?

Pretty quickly, we get a sense of their personality without them even mentioning what they love.

That should terrify us. Several reasons:

1. It’s making us judgy.

2. It’s making us grumpy.

3. It’s polarizing and dividing us.

4. It’s not having the impact we hope to have on the world.

I get that in the confusing times we live in, it’s really important to be clear on what we believe. But what that tends to look like is sharing everything we are against.

And I get clarity is important but what happens when what we hate becomes our whole personality?

How is it that the thing we’d like to resist, banish and totally avoid actually becomes what we are known by?

Why we do it:

Negativity bias says negative posts are more likely to be shared. And conversations around the chips and salsa at the restaurant don’t grow stale with a steady drip of gossip.

So right there we know the negative things just get more traction. This means it not only travels further but writers might feel enticed to keep harping on what they hate.

How many Instagram accounts lately have had their followers explode because they started sharing about some particular issue or person they hated? I’m embarrassed to admit¹ I can name 5 off the top of my head. 🫣

So we know it’s out there. But is it in us too? Here’s a quick quiz to get an idea if you’re more known by what you love or hate:

1. Do people know your pet peeves more than what delights you?

2. Can a friend name your favorite food or the one you can’t stand?

3. Do people know the candidate you hate more than the one you actually voted for?

4. Can someone make a playlist faster of songs that make you cringe or songs that make you dance?

5. When you say “ugh” is it followed by “I hate this ____” or “This ____ is so good!” (Did you know people even say “ugh” to mean something positive? It’s true. But maybe not for us…yet?)

6. Are you more likely to leave a review for something you thought was amazing or really bad?

7. Do you feel the need to share a comment on posts more often when you disagree or agree?

8. Do your views on politics sound more like protest signs or a vision statement?

9. Are your boundaries more often defined by what you reject or what you protect and value?

10. When talking about your faith, are the first things that come to mind what you won’t tolerate or what you believe in?

How’d you do? Me? I was reminded that I utterly hate crop tops. My husband teases I must have been scarred by crop tops because when it comes to things I hate for my girls (or for me) crop tops ranks unproportionally high. I don’t want to be known for not liking crop tops though. And truthfully, if you like crop tops, me saying I hate them is likely a turn off and that doesn’t do any good.

It makes me want to get to the root of the hate and understand what my hope is in this area. What’s the heart behind this dislike? And what would it look like to share more of what I’m for as an alternative?

Why we want to pay attention to it:

I just said it but if you love crop tops, you might have been turned off immediately. So we’ve got to ask: How many people find Jesus buried beneath all the things we make sure to mention we’re against?

In a sense, it’s like attempting to carve out darkness without bringing light. And have you ever tried to do that? Have you tried to eliminate darknewss without a light source? It’s impossible.

And bluntly, is that the gospel? Harping on everything we hate or are against? Is it possible to know the truth by simply stating everything that isn’t true? Do we force others to do gymnastics to figure out the gospel when we could simply speak more of it?

What would (or did!) Jesus do? I’m tickled you asked. I assumed yes, of course Jesus was more focused on what he was for than against but did some research because it was a claim I just made on assumption.

Here’s what I discovered.

75-80% of Jesus’ own words in the Gospel focused on themes of what He loved. Things like grace, compassion, redemption, the kingdom of God, faith, humility and more.

And 20-25% of Jesus’ own words in the Gospel focused on themes of opposition. Things like hypocrisy, greed or injustice.

So yes, my hunch was right but honestly, it was way more “imbalanced” that I expected. It wasn’t even close to 50/50. Jesus so clearly focused on sharing about what He loved. And a good reminder too is that even in his words about things he was against, His heart was always for restoration. If we can’t say the same for our words about what we hate, that may be a good gauge for whether it’s worth saying it.

How we change it:

Stop me if you’ve heard this one.

Prayer. 😂

Guys I know I sound like a broken record but think of it more like a friend trying to help create new grooves that help us go quicker to prayer. The path in our brain to prayer may have been overgrown and that path to Netflix impossibly easy but we’re making fresh tracks to lead the way!

Every attempt we make on our own will fail so let’s take this to God (like we do with everything else here) and ask for his help.

• What annoys me?

• And does this dominate my speech?

• What do I deeply love?

• Am I communicating that well?

Challenge yourself to speak only what you love for a few days. Or keep a note for 24 hours of all the negative things you point out. I did this with my girls one day (ok 1 hour) to help them understand just how much complaints came out of our mouth and it was quite the reality check.

And look, no one is trying to get us to never voice what we are against. I hope that wasn’t the takeaway here. We see Jesus’ example and I think it’s a pretty amazing one to follow. Imagine if even 70% of our words were more about what we were for? I think our families, our communities and our own hearts would be a vastly different place.

1. Because it means I’m feeding this beast, too.